i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
