fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
