i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
