I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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