I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
