he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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