oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize