So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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