the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize