Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
