Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(517): View more from Michigan

Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”

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(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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(785): View more from Kansas

I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again

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(314): View more from Missouri

There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.

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