I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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