Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You ate ashes out of my bong
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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