My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
