god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just made out with a guy for $7.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
