Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
