Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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