Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
