I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
