can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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