Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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