is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
