those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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