Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
