oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
try to milk me bitch
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