Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How does one acquire holy water?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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