I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
