I skipped work to stalk him.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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