Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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