It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
he just fucked me for my cheese.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize