Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
