I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
