This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize