when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
