The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
