It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
