So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Will exercising make me less horny?
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