i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
