I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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