I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Where is the hickey?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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