my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
