Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
