yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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