I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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