from now on my penis is your penis
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
