the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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