If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize