Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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