So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
