He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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