Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
