So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
