Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
