weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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