So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
