She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
