Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
