Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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