You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize