There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
