This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Someone came in the potted fern
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
