haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
