How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
