Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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