Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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