There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
