Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
